This day all those years ago you left me behind. I spent the whole day trying to keep myself busy so that I didn't think of you. I made sure that there was lots to do at work. But the more I tried not to think of you, the more you kept coming into my head. I kept pushing your thoughts away, lest I should get upset or show my feelings, or even cry. I don't do crying. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. It makes me feel like that silly little girl that used to go running to her dad when her siblings used to tease her for not having all her teeth. Except now, there is no one to run to. Not you, not anyone. So, I keep my feelings locked up; put up a pretense and be the ice queen that I never wanted to be. They're my feelings after all, the only thing that I control, so why should I let anyone else privvy to what they don't deserve?
I wonder sometimes, how would I have turned out if you were here? What would my life be like? Would I still make the choices I've made? Would I still be the ice queen that I've turned into?
I remember that day so vividly. I play it in my head over and over. It's weird, Abba. It's like I crave that connection to the pain and shock and sadness and anger that comes with re-living those moments. Why do I keep going back to that time? Why do I torture myself like this? Is it basking in my pain? Why does pain feel so good? I deserve pain. I deserve all this hurt. Its all I know now. Its become a part of me. I need it. To separate it now would kill me.
I hope you're in a better place Abba. Wait for me. I won't be long. I'll come running like I used to. Jump into your arms. Tucked away in your broad shoulders, I'll weep like I've never wept before. You'll hold me tight and wipe my tears. You'll kiss away my pain and love me better, because you, Abba, always knew how.
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