You.

I am a sponge.
I soak up, I absorb, and I take in.
I notice, I observe, and I feel.
Others slide in & out of situations,
Immune to the tensions, the dilemmas, and the shocked silences.

I hold on.
I look around and I empathise.
My minds eye can't let go.
In that moment, I become one with the other. ...
I see what they see.
The injustice, the unfairness and the betrayal.
The images and the unsaid, they remain.

Hard to shake off, I find it strange.
The others, they speak without care.
My mind races, I evaluate & then re-evaluate.
How, what, why and when should I speak?
But they, the others, they don’t think.
Hurtful & contemptuous, they don’t stop.
They lie, the malicious rumours they spread.
But closer than my jugular vein, I know You know.

I sigh, I breathe, and I look away.
My tongue, heavy with responsibility, only wants to please.
Not they, not the others, no. Just You.

© Amy Serafina

The daughter you never saw grow

They say time’s a healer, but no, they lie.
The gap you left only gets bigger each day.
The girl you left behind became a woman you'll never know.

You were my shade in the sun, my umbrella in the rain.
You kept me safe; your strong arms guiding my path.
In tears of sadness & joy, your wisdom I'll never have again.

You'll never give me away or see my children grow.
Yet somehow, you live within me every day.
Your absence drives me more than your presence ever could.

I imagine you sitting cross legged with your head buried in a book.
A piping hot cup of tea and a prayer mat by your side.
Every now & then you burst into song!

Maybe you'll look down one day & smile,
knowing I tried my best,
to be the daughter you never saw grow.

© Amy Serafina

Random conversations

Two friends (male and female) on the train discuss how the female friend should dump a guy after one date. After 15minutes of a thorough analysis, they agree to her telling him that “there’s no chemistry, so there will be no biology” (!).

I exist.

It was a small cut. A single blade dug deep into my leg. A sharp scratch. A slight burn as the skin peeled open. Intense pain spiralling through me. Familiar. Comforting. Soothing.

The blood trickled out, bit by bit. A pool of red gathered at my foot. My leg, bloodied & marked, ached. Deep sigh. The relief! Oh, how good it feels!

I exist. I am real. And this, yes THIS tells me so.

© All rights belong to Amy Serafina.

It was a beautiful clear night. A gentle breeze lightly stroked my face and played with my hair. There were no lights for miles, yet my eyes had become accustomed to the dark night. I was leaning against a gate facing a large field with some sheep at a distance. I could hear the chirping of crickets. I was content.

He came up behind me and slowly put his arms around me until his body was enveloping mine. As he put his cheeks against mine and gazed into the distance, I felt complete. Two hearts beating as one.

The touch of his body against mine awakened my nerves and made me come alive. Up ahead, the Milky Way glistened in the dark night sky. It was perfect. My moment of perfection.

He gently turned me to face him and asked me to look up. The moon was creamy and full. He never looked up; instead he gazed intently at the reflection of the moon in my eyes. I was in awe of such a magnificent sight.

‘It’s beautiful.’ I said.

He didn’t move his eyes from my face, fixated by a thing I did not see. I wasn’t even sure that he was listening.

After a lifetime it seemed, he finally said ‘yes, you’re beautiful’.

© All rights belong to Amy Serafina

A Careless Whisper

A careless whisper is ferocious with its venom,
Thoughtless it might be, but harmless its not.

Quickly uttered – something to say.
Fills the empty gap, the awkward silences.

A careless whisper builds alliances, where trouble used to brew.
Something to do, when there’s nothing else anew.

© Amy Serafina

"You know me, I'm free as a bee."

© Amy Serafina

You wait and you wait,
To hand over your heart,
To someone that is worthy,
Someone that is kind,
Someone that will protect it
With all their might.

And then one day
That very same person
Rips it apart,...
Cuts it into a million pieces
And chucks it aside.

Just when you think its healing,
He leans over and cuts through the stiches
All over again.

© Amy Serafina

You work so hard to get somewhere and then you finally get there, only to realise that maybe it wasn’t where you wanted to go in the first place.

In the smallest moments, I realise that the smallest things made the biggest difference.

© Amy Serafina 

Tired. Simples.

Tired. Tired of being judged, misjudged, labelled, mislabelled. Just tired. Plain and simple. Tired.

I get upset sometimes. People are so keen to look at the shell and not what’s within. They make judgements and categorise people even before they’ve given you a chance to open your mouth. It doesn’t matter that you woke up late this morning because you were up all night in A&E looking after your friend. What they see is someone who looks scruffy and they make assumptions. It doesn’t matter that you’re struggling to pay your bills and look after your kids single handedly; all they see is a wrinkled make-up free face and they don’t care. It doesn’t matter that you’re sitting on the bus crying your eyes out because you’ve just found out that your mum’s had an accident; all they see is past your face and they haven’t got the time of day.

© Amy Serafina

I’m sitting here thinking all these thoughts. None of them make any sense and yet here I am - thinking, wondering, feeling. Such an intense conversation last night. I can’t be with you and I can’t be without. Nobody else will get it. The relationship that you and I have. The intense closeness that I feel when I am with you. My soul comes alive. The fire within me burns like it’s never burnt before. You, yes you. Everything is about you. I don’t care how logical my head is – it doesn’t know how much my heart wants you. For once I wish it were simple. I wish we could be together together. Not just secretly, but in public. For real.


© Amy Serafina

I stood at the bus stop this afternoon, waiting patiently for the bus. It was freezing cold - a chill in the air that reached my bones. I stood there alone, shaking and shivering. I rubbed my hands together, noticing a guy coming closer as I did so. The guy, creepy looking and smug, commented ‘I could warm you up if you want’. I put on my you-must-be-joking face and replied ‘I’m ok thanks’.

© Amy Serafina

"Surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers and the thinkers, but most of all, surround yourself with those who see the greatness within you, even when you don’t see it yourself.” Edmund Lee

Love

Love flourishes in the unlikeliest places. When you least expect to find it, it's there, waiting to be unwrapped. It feels magical and for a moment life transforms itself. Your zest for happiness and adventure suddenly appear. You want to sing from the rooftops, fly with the birds and swing through the trees. Everything becomes possible. Life is good again.



© Amy Serafina

I’m here now,
At the end of the road.
My destiny within reach,
The end is close.

I can almost see it,
Smell it,
Touch it.
But I still can’t quite understand it.

All the plans,
All the sacrifices,
All the hard work.

In the end,
What was mine
Never did escape me.

© Amy Serafina

If Light shall be given,
It is.
If sadness is to roam free,
It does.
If this is how we were meant to be,
We are.

Things are as they should be,
We are as we are.
Life is what it is.

A blessing in disguise,
A mercy beyond recognise,
You are to me,
What I could never have imagined to be.

When I fall,
When I cry,
When I’m in despair.

When I lose hope,
When I sacrifice,
When I’m in anger.

I turn around,
And there you are.

Your smile,
Your words,
Your thoughts,
Strengthening me with every breath.

Truly, God created you for me.

© Amy Serafina

My heart

My heart is a melting pot of emotions,

Being cooked and stirred as I walk along.

I can’t find peace,

I can’t find sense.

I’ve hit rock bottom

And it’s not a dream.

There is a gaping hole,

It’s fleshy and bruised.

Bitten on the sides

And aching through.

My heart is a melting pot of emotions,

Being cooked and stirred as I walk along.

I can’t find reason,

I can’t find rhyme.

I’ve reached the end

And there’s nowhere to hide.

Bittersweet memories,

Seems so surreal.

The head finds it shocking,

The heart’s betrayal.

My heart is a melting pot of emotions,

Being cooked and stirred as I walk along.

I can’t find logic,

I can’t find wisdom.

I’ve sunk so low,

And there’s nowhere to go.

© Amy Serafina

It's been nearly a week that he hasn't called me. I miss him incredibly. Sometimes we upset each other but most of the time it's only because when love is that deep, you forget yourself and talk to the other as though you were one. I know what it sounds like - a silly love story with a deluded girl. Maybe that is what this is and one day I will see it as such. In the mean time, I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I've been waiting for things to resolve for such a long time, hoping, praying that perhaps there will be a time in the future when we can be together. 10years of both our lives we've invested in this relationship. That’s a third of my life. To let go now would destroy me.

A part of my soul feels like it's constantly going against the grain, crashing against the waves and being broken into a thousand pieces. I long for the day when I can sleep in peace, without that aching pain in my chest.

© Amy Serafina

Insight of the day

Today I was reminded that sometimes when people go to health professionals, it’s not because they are looking for a professional opinion or medication or a diagnoses, but rather they are looking for compassion, understanding and warmth. Sometimes that in itself can be enough.

Introverts

If you want to know more about us introverts, here's a link to explain...

http://lolsnaps.com/news/46916/0/?fb_action_ids=10151406216293648&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_ref=.URNfOqgDVVg.like&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%7B%2210151406216293648%22%3A399341553488151%7D&action_type_map=%7B%2210151406216293648%22%3A%22og.likes%22%7D&action_ref_map=%7B%2210151406216293648%22%3A%22.URNfOqgDVVg.like%22

“The way that you spoke left me speechless, helpless in the face of your sweetness, I ran from your trap, home to my heart, but trapped in my heart, I’m your captive.” Rumi

My mum has a multitude of tablets. This evening I was sorting them into their allocated spaces within the dossette box. Menial task, always menial. Every other week, same thing. This evening though, I was feeling particularly low. The mood got lower as the day progressed and I was surprised to find myself thinking thoughts that I hadn’t for a long time. What if I took them all? Maybe just for a moment I would have some silence. No thoughts going round and round, accusatory, blaming, guilt ridden, soul destroying thoughts. It would be so simple. So easy. Just reach out and take them. Everyone would be better off without me complicating things. HE wouldn’t have the complication of ME. I’ve become what I never wanted to become. A cocktail of contradictions. And right now, it hurts. The one thing I’ve waited for so long just gets further and further apart.

 

© Amy Serafina

Rain

I walk across the wet floor,
Patches of water dripping on me,
I speed up,
The water dripping faster.
I begin to run,
It catches up still,
Making me wetter.

I look up at the sky,
The moist air engulfing my face,
The water slowly penetrating through my skin,
My hair getting wetter by the moment,
The feeling of liberation,
The feeling of freedom.

I slowly lift up my arms,
The water soaking me deeper.
I continue looking up,
Smelling the crispness in the air,
The rain making it all the more sharper,
I feel humble.

Arms outstretched,
I turn around on the spot.
I am by now, completely soaked.
Yet, it feels so gloriously wonderful.
A brief moment,
A serene sensation,
Within the realms of forever-ness.

I am,
Completely calm,
Completely collected,
Utterly devoted,
But not yet ready to move on.

I want to,
Savour this moment,
Stay here forever,
Never leave,
Never abandon,
Just be.

I need to be brave,
I need to understand.
But I still can’t move,
I just don’t want it to be so.

I’m tired of running,
I’m fed up of hiding,
I just wish it would stop,
The endless bounds of hurt,
The evil eating me away,
Inside,
Everyday,
Bit by bit.
Why can’t it stop?

But here,
I feel at peace,
I know the place,
I know the feeling,
I know me.

I’ve become so accustomed,
To hide it,
To disallow it,
To never acknowledge
This void I feel.

I close my eyes,
I breathe in,
Hold it,
And finally let go.

I open my eyes,
I look around,
The World all cleared up,
Dirt washed away.
Simple,
Yet so required.

If only,
The jumble in my mind,
Could be washed away too.
The thoughts dissolving into nothing more
Than a few drops of dew,
Ready and willing,
To melt away
Into nothing more.

 

© All rights belong to Amy Serafina

In the beginning...

In a world that is so unpredictable, it seemed that the best way to cope was to absorb myself in a book. A book could always be depended upon to have an ending no matter how tragic or unbearable the story, a meaning behind why things happened and a sense of hope that no matter how bad things got, they would always be resolved, somehow. Ultimately, books were my salvation – a way to escape reality, forget my own troubles and exist in a world that wasn’t mine. I’m not even sure when I began to read, all I know is that for as long as I can remember I was always absorbed in some kind of book.

I can’t even begin to explain how I was then, and it's even more complicated as to how I am now. All I can do is explain as best as I can what happened, and that sometimes I feel and act in ways that are neither rational nor understandable. My life is a mystery, a puzzle of different parts that really don't fit together or make sense.

© Amy Serafina