I stood at the bus stop this afternoon, waiting patiently for the bus. It was freezing cold - a chill in the air that reached my bones. I stood there alone, shaking and shivering. I rubbed my hands together, noticing a guy coming closer as I did so. The guy, creepy looking and smug, commented ‘I could warm you up if you want’. I put on my you-must-be-joking face and replied ‘I’m ok thanks’.

© Amy Serafina

"Surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers and the thinkers, but most of all, surround yourself with those who see the greatness within you, even when you don’t see it yourself.” Edmund Lee

Love

Love flourishes in the unlikeliest places. When you least expect to find it, it's there, waiting to be unwrapped. It feels magical and for a moment life transforms itself. Your zest for happiness and adventure suddenly appear. You want to sing from the rooftops, fly with the birds and swing through the trees. Everything becomes possible. Life is good again.



© Amy Serafina

I’m here now,
At the end of the road.
My destiny within reach,
The end is close.

I can almost see it,
Smell it,
Touch it.
But I still can’t quite understand it.

All the plans,
All the sacrifices,
All the hard work.

In the end,
What was mine
Never did escape me.

© Amy Serafina

If Light shall be given,
It is.
If sadness is to roam free,
It does.
If this is how we were meant to be,
We are.

Things are as they should be,
We are as we are.
Life is what it is.

A blessing in disguise,
A mercy beyond recognise,
You are to me,
What I could never have imagined to be.

When I fall,
When I cry,
When I’m in despair.

When I lose hope,
When I sacrifice,
When I’m in anger.

I turn around,
And there you are.

Your smile,
Your words,
Your thoughts,
Strengthening me with every breath.

Truly, God created you for me.

© Amy Serafina

My heart

My heart is a melting pot of emotions,

Being cooked and stirred as I walk along.

I can’t find peace,

I can’t find sense.

I’ve hit rock bottom

And it’s not a dream.

There is a gaping hole,

It’s fleshy and bruised.

Bitten on the sides

And aching through.

My heart is a melting pot of emotions,

Being cooked and stirred as I walk along.

I can’t find reason,

I can’t find rhyme.

I’ve reached the end

And there’s nowhere to hide.

Bittersweet memories,

Seems so surreal.

The head finds it shocking,

The heart’s betrayal.

My heart is a melting pot of emotions,

Being cooked and stirred as I walk along.

I can’t find logic,

I can’t find wisdom.

I’ve sunk so low,

And there’s nowhere to go.

© Amy Serafina

It's been nearly a week that he hasn't called me. I miss him incredibly. Sometimes we upset each other but most of the time it's only because when love is that deep, you forget yourself and talk to the other as though you were one. I know what it sounds like - a silly love story with a deluded girl. Maybe that is what this is and one day I will see it as such. In the mean time, I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I've been waiting for things to resolve for such a long time, hoping, praying that perhaps there will be a time in the future when we can be together. 10years of both our lives we've invested in this relationship. That’s a third of my life. To let go now would destroy me.

A part of my soul feels like it's constantly going against the grain, crashing against the waves and being broken into a thousand pieces. I long for the day when I can sleep in peace, without that aching pain in my chest.

© Amy Serafina

Insight of the day

Today I was reminded that sometimes when people go to health professionals, it’s not because they are looking for a professional opinion or medication or a diagnoses, but rather they are looking for compassion, understanding and warmth. Sometimes that in itself can be enough.

Introverts

If you want to know more about us introverts, here's a link to explain...

http://lolsnaps.com/news/46916/0/?fb_action_ids=10151406216293648&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_ref=.URNfOqgDVVg.like&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%7B%2210151406216293648%22%3A399341553488151%7D&action_type_map=%7B%2210151406216293648%22%3A%22og.likes%22%7D&action_ref_map=%7B%2210151406216293648%22%3A%22.URNfOqgDVVg.like%22

“The way that you spoke left me speechless, helpless in the face of your sweetness, I ran from your trap, home to my heart, but trapped in my heart, I’m your captive.” Rumi

My mum has a multitude of tablets. This evening I was sorting them into their allocated spaces within the dossette box. Menial task, always menial. Every other week, same thing. This evening though, I was feeling particularly low. The mood got lower as the day progressed and I was surprised to find myself thinking thoughts that I hadn’t for a long time. What if I took them all? Maybe just for a moment I would have some silence. No thoughts going round and round, accusatory, blaming, guilt ridden, soul destroying thoughts. It would be so simple. So easy. Just reach out and take them. Everyone would be better off without me complicating things. HE wouldn’t have the complication of ME. I’ve become what I never wanted to become. A cocktail of contradictions. And right now, it hurts. The one thing I’ve waited for so long just gets further and further apart.

 

© Amy Serafina

Rain

I walk across the wet floor,
Patches of water dripping on me,
I speed up,
The water dripping faster.
I begin to run,
It catches up still,
Making me wetter.

I look up at the sky,
The moist air engulfing my face,
The water slowly penetrating through my skin,
My hair getting wetter by the moment,
The feeling of liberation,
The feeling of freedom.

I slowly lift up my arms,
The water soaking me deeper.
I continue looking up,
Smelling the crispness in the air,
The rain making it all the more sharper,
I feel humble.

Arms outstretched,
I turn around on the spot.
I am by now, completely soaked.
Yet, it feels so gloriously wonderful.
A brief moment,
A serene sensation,
Within the realms of forever-ness.

I am,
Completely calm,
Completely collected,
Utterly devoted,
But not yet ready to move on.

I want to,
Savour this moment,
Stay here forever,
Never leave,
Never abandon,
Just be.

I need to be brave,
I need to understand.
But I still can’t move,
I just don’t want it to be so.

I’m tired of running,
I’m fed up of hiding,
I just wish it would stop,
The endless bounds of hurt,
The evil eating me away,
Inside,
Everyday,
Bit by bit.
Why can’t it stop?

But here,
I feel at peace,
I know the place,
I know the feeling,
I know me.

I’ve become so accustomed,
To hide it,
To disallow it,
To never acknowledge
This void I feel.

I close my eyes,
I breathe in,
Hold it,
And finally let go.

I open my eyes,
I look around,
The World all cleared up,
Dirt washed away.
Simple,
Yet so required.

If only,
The jumble in my mind,
Could be washed away too.
The thoughts dissolving into nothing more
Than a few drops of dew,
Ready and willing,
To melt away
Into nothing more.

 

© All rights belong to Amy Serafina

In the beginning...

In a world that is so unpredictable, it seemed that the best way to cope was to absorb myself in a book. A book could always be depended upon to have an ending no matter how tragic or unbearable the story, a meaning behind why things happened and a sense of hope that no matter how bad things got, they would always be resolved, somehow. Ultimately, books were my salvation – a way to escape reality, forget my own troubles and exist in a world that wasn’t mine. I’m not even sure when I began to read, all I know is that for as long as I can remember I was always absorbed in some kind of book.

I can’t even begin to explain how I was then, and it's even more complicated as to how I am now. All I can do is explain as best as I can what happened, and that sometimes I feel and act in ways that are neither rational nor understandable. My life is a mystery, a puzzle of different parts that really don't fit together or make sense.

© Amy Serafina