What madness is this?
To dream,
When I am awake?

I'm stubborn, you say.
I'm stubborn, I know.
I hold on when others let go.
And they have, and they do.
I can't, and I won't.

          
I was young and naive.
I thought the world was fair,
and all was right.

                                                                                    

I didn't expect, and I didn't anticipate,
That my tough shell would ever crack.

        
I was kind and I was gentle,
But I made mistakes that I didn't know.

I was scared and I was stupid,
Hoping and praying that all would be well.

The choices I made, the lies I was told.
The hurt I caused, the betrayal I faced.

And yet, after all this time,

it's holding on thats helped me let go.


© Amy Serafina

Dear Abba Diaries

Dear Abba, 

This day all those years ago you left me behind. I spent the whole day trying to keep myself busy so that I didn't think of you. I made sure that there was lots to do at work. But the more I tried not to think of you, the more you kept coming into my head. I kept pushing your thoughts away, lest I should get upset or show my feelings, or even cry. I don't do crying. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. It makes me feel like that silly little girl that used to go running to her dad when her siblings used to tease her for not having all her teeth. Except now, there is no one to run to. Not you, not anyone. So, I keep my feelings locked up; put up a pretense and be the ice queen that I never wanted to be. They're my feelings after all, the only thing that I control, so why should I let anyone else privvy to what they don't deserve? 

I wonder sometimes, how would I have turned out if you were here? What would my life be like? Would I still make the choices I've made? Would I still be the ice queen that I've turned into?

I remember that day so vividly. I play it in my head over and over. It's weird, Abba. It's like I crave that connection to the pain and shock and sadness and anger that comes with re-living those moments. Why do I keep going back to that time? Why do I torture myself like this? Is it basking in my pain? Why does pain feel so good? I deserve pain. I deserve all this hurt. Its all I know now. Its become a part of me. I need it. To separate it now would kill me. 

I hope you're in a better place Abba. Wait for me. I won't be long. I'll come running like I used to. Jump into your arms. Tucked away in your broad shoulders, I'll weep like I've never wept before. You'll hold me tight and wipe my tears. You'll kiss away my pain and love me better, because you, Abba, always knew how.

You Would Think

Today I met a boy,
He had brown shoes and pink socks,
Glasses and a blazer too.
Attractive and tall,
You would think he was what I wanted.

He was well spoken and smart,

Funny and kind,

Talkative and thoughtful,
You would think he was what I needed.

He was nice and polite,
And flattering too.

He treated me well,
And praised my dazzling eyes.
Not to mention my lips,
That his gaze would not leave.
Funny and charismatic,

You would think he would light my soul.

He asked about me,
And made sure I was happy.
He was exciting and bubbly,
And ridiculously charming too.

Mindful of my feelings,
He joked about our future,
And made plans for my birthday.

I held his gaze,
My thoughts a mile away,
I drifted in and out of the conversation.
Laughing at the right moments,

You would think the deal was sealed.

You. Would. Think.

© Amy Serafina

Dear Abba Diaries

Dear Abba,

Today is one of those nights. You know the ones where I can't stop thinking about you? The ones where my eyes leak as though some taps been left open? Where my heart feels like its been cut open and butchered in places I never knew existed? Yes, those ones.

They said that with enough time it would hurt less, that the constant throbbing pain would stop. They said that I would get better with living my life and moving on. But they lied. It never lessens. It never stops. I never move on.

Every part of me has a part of you, and every moment of mine has your presence. Abba, you live through me. And whilst others can't see it, you. never. left. me.

I can feel you sometimes, and for a moment I sink into your arms. Your strong, broad shoulders, that shielded me from everyone and everything. Your smell, Abba - I can smell you. Its weird isn't it? The things I remember. I miss you, Abba. And there are days when I can't go on. Days like today when I can't stop hurting, when I can't stop crying, when I can't wait any more, when a lifetime seems forever and your arms seem so far away.

I close my eyes and hope to meet you soon. To be the little girl, that you never saw grow. Perhaps I'll dream of you tonight. Perhaps you'll comfort me. Perhaps you'll kiss me better. Perhaps.

© Amy Serafina

Letters from God

The same mirror I've stood in front of for years,
But time stands still for no one.
First there was one, then two, three and now four;
Four letters from God.
Others hide them; colour, mask or just pull them out.
But not I.
I like them; 
They're assurances,         
Reminders of yesteryear.
A time gone by; a happy, joyous, carefree, youthful time.          
The best years of my life, 
And of course, 
The time since.

© Amy Serafina

Soul f***

Deep, dark, mysterious depth,

buried hidden under layers of skin;
Your soul shines bright through your eyes.

Blooming, glowing, calling me to you.
A pull so fierce I can't stop.
It grabs my core, shakes it from its root and dances in the moonlight.

My body grows weak,
But inside, I'm alive!
With you I somersault in the wind,
Screaming with joy! 

     
Ecstatic and beyond limit,
My soul shivers with orgasmic delight!

© Amy Serafina